Moments of Clarity
by mabelreid
Summary: A series of drabbles and one shots. We all have moments of clarity that define us. Mostly Reid Centric
1. For the Greater Good

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**_A/n this is based on the preview for the upcoming episode. I haven't seen any other spoilers or read anything else about it and I don't want to know. _**

**_These "moments of clarity" will be mostly Reid centric but there may be apprearances from the other team member as the spirit moves._**

**_For the Greater Good_**

I am a genius… It is a proven fact. The experts have tested me. _So_, if I am so smart, how do I get into so much trouble all the time?

They say there are moments of clarity in every person's life. I have experienced many of them in my lifetime. Now, as I stand here in this makeshift lab and look at the broken vial on the floor in front of me, I wonder if the realization that I screwed up big time is the last thing I will ever realize.

I guess now it's time to call Hotch and admit that I messed up. Will it matter? Am I going to die now? If I do, I hope my mother will understand that this is something I had to do. There were too many lives at stake and when it came down to it, there was no other choice.

Right?


	2. She loves me, She loves me not

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_**A/n this is a walk into the past. I wrote it because I've always been a bit irritated by what Gideon did at the end of "Plain Sight" Yes, I know he was trying to help Reid but... Well here it is, please enjoy!**_

_**She Loves me, She loves me not!**_

He knew the minute the words left his mouth that it had been a mistake. She looked at him with that look that said, "You've got something to ask me and I hope to God I don't have to actually do anything."

He had ignored the voice in his head that said, "You don't have to do this. You don't have to ask her out because you want to please Gideon. If you're not ready, don't let him pressure you."

He said the words anyway. His voice shaking so badly, he could hardly get the question out of his mouth. She'd looked at him with resignation in her eyes. He pretended not to see it.

In that moment, he knew for sure the crush he'd been nursing on her would never become the love he so desperately wanted. So, he smiled and pretended not to see the indifference so clear in her face.

_What you do not see will not hurt you._ Those words were his personal mantra. If he repeated it over and over, he might believe it one day.


	3. Betrayal

Betrayal

I watched him answer the phone. His face stayed expressionless when he heard the news. I felt as though someone had put a thousand pound weight on my chest. I know my friend. He only goes cold when the news isn't good.

I knew it was true. Soon he would put down the phone and confirm my worst fears. I didn't expect to feel bad. After all, I was the one that pushed so hard for it all to be on the head of my own father.

Morgan shut the phone and looked at me. I knew the match had come through on the fingerprint.

"We're going to have to get an arrest warrant." He was saying to me and my stomach felt like someone had punched me.

"There was a match," I managed to say even though I didn't want to hear the news anymore.

"Yeah… but it wasn't your father."

In one single moment, my world shifted again. My father was innocent. You see, I have a problem. Am I happy or sad that it wasn't my father? I don't know and it scares me.

My father abandoned me. I betrayed him in my thoughts and actions because I was hurt and angry. So, you tell me… Which of us committed the worse sin?


	4. Cheating Death

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_**C**_**_heating Death _**

I have always been able to speak when I wanted to. In fact, my 'speeches' annoy and amuse my teammates. They tell me - with much affection, I have come to see - to shut up all the time.

I saw it in her face. She thought I was going to die. For the first time in my life, I knew what it was to feel terror so absolute it turned my blood to ice water. I knew in the minute I tried to speak, and it all turned to gibberish, that I was going to die.

There was no reason to live if my mind was damaged. I cannot let them put me in an institution like my mother. I wanted to die. When I had to close my eyes because I could no longer stay conscious, I wondered if the darkness was all that was waiting for me. Then I embraced it… like a long lost lover. For wasn't it better to die in the place of another. Great love hath no man…

I was ready… Nevertheless, the light came back as it always does. Here I am once again. My friends are around me. The demon is vanquished once again. What about next time?


	5. Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

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**_Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder_**

She'd seen many sides to him. He was very smart obviously. He was young and so cute. She just wanted to pinch his cheeks like a maiden aunt. He didn't get her jokes, nor could he tell one if it meant the firing squad. His clothes were disaster and his hair, well it was okay, but it could use a bit of a trim.

She also knew that he had a quiet inner strength that you wouldn't see unless you looked for it or he trusted you enough to open up to you.

He'd opened up to her just minutes ago and she could still hear his voice in her head.

"_Did you know that schizophrenia is genetically passed?" _

He'd tried to push it off with a small smile, but his eyes told the truth. They'd said, "Now you know… It's okay if you want to pull back and not spend your time caring about me. I'm not worthy."

Tears fell, one by one, onto the keyboard of her computer. She indulged them for several quiet minutes before a steely resolve stopped them.

He could push her away. It wouldn't do him any good. She would not go without a fight!


	6. A Second Chance

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_**A/n this doesn't dovetail to any episode. It's just something I came up with that might have happened when Reid was abusing drugs.**_

_**A Second Chance**_

He was so angry when I opened my eyes. The harsh lights above my head showed more than the white tiled ceiling over my head. They showed something in his dark eyes I had never seen before, because I didn't bother to see it.

"You know what you have to do."

"Yes sir…"

"I'm paying for this out of my own pocket. You can't have this on an insurance claim or your job is gone."

He snapped his fingers and I flinched.

"Yes sir."

"Don't 'yes sir.' me Reid. I want to hear you say it."

"I need help!"

"Yes... You need help. Do you want it?"

"I - I w-want help."

"Say it like you mean it Reid."

The anger was so cold it would have have burnt me if not tempered with a father's concern. Could I say it like I meant it, even now after the darkness nearly claimed me a second time. I swallowed hard and croaked, "I want help Hotch."

He put a hand on my shoulder and I knew in an instant how it must have been for him to find me there on my bathroom floor.

"There's no turning back." He said.

"I know sir."

"We all care about you Reid."

"I know that sir."

"Do you?"

"Yes… now I do."

His eyes shifted and warmed. He smiled down at me. "Come back to us Reid. We need you and not just for that wonderful brain of yours, we're family."

They needed me! No one except my mother ever just needed me. A warm feeling that was so much better then the warmth of the Dilaudid flooded my veins. I still want the drugs so badly I think I might die. I think I can let it go with the help of my family, even if they don't realize how they help me. I need them as much as they need me. It's good to be needed!


	7. Physics Magic

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_**Physics Magic**_

It was supposed to be a simple demonstration. It was Garcia's fault. She was the one that egged me on. If she'd just left it alone… But no, she had to get JJ involved. That's the last time I confide in Garcia. She just had to run for JJ when I showed her my trick. How am I supposed to say no to those blue eyes and that hair?

Anyway… My calculations and trajectory were perfect. I didn't know Emily was going to walk in right then. Anderson was supposed to be playing lookout. I'm never going to trust him again. Then Hotch came in and the girls all deserted me. I had to take the heat on my own. I don't care if he was smiling afterwards. Hotch is scary as hell.

Oh well… as Morgan says, payback is a bitch!


	8. Mirror Images

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_**Mirror Images**_

He said we looked like each other when I was a child. _Oh God_… How that hurt after all these years. So I did what I always do when someone gets in below the armor I carefully built for myself. I gave some explanation as to why we no longer looked alike. Then I dropped in the final zinger. "I haven't seen you in twenty years Dad. What did you expect?"

I saw the hurt in his eyes and I rejoiced in it. _Good!_ I thought to myself._ He's hurting just like I have every damn day of my life._ Now he would know what it was like to have your own flesh and blood turn away from you.

Then, I took another look and saw that my eyes are like his - not the same shape or even color - but like mine in that they show every emotion, even when you don't want them too.

_Perhaps I miscalculated… We do look alike. When I look in the mirror tomorrow - what will I see, him or me?_


	9. A Mother Knows

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_**A Mother Knows**_

"If anyone tries to keep him here any longer, I'll scratch your eyes out."

I didn't know what to think of that… Obviously, Dr. Norman was very non-plussed by her comment. Then she said something that almost made me laugh.

"It helps if they think you're crazy… They don't argue."

For a minute, it was as if we were at home and she had never been institutionalized. I mean, when was the last time I'd heard her make even a small joke. She was always so serious.

I wanted to ask her if she forgave me for putting her there. Then she looked up at me over her simple meal and I saw that it was okay. I also realized that it didn't matter anymore.

It's amazing how light you feel when the weight of the world lifts off your shoulders. Now… How do I make it stay lifted?


	10. The Football Game

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_**The Football Game**_

I can do this! It's not a big deal… I'm not a kid anymore. I can handle it. It's strange though… I can't seem to make my hands let go of the steering wheel.

I know… I'll tell her that I know she's only here because she knows that Gideon bought the tickets. I'll tell her that we can pretend we went to the game and that it was fun. Then I can go home and make sure to watch the highlights on the news in case Morgan asks.

She's looking at me. I know she's wondering if she made a mistake coming here She's asking me if I'm alright. _Let go of the steering wheel you fool. She's going to hate you. _

She is all dressed up in her team jersey with a scarf knitted from the same color yarn. Oh God… It's my last chance to make a good impression. I like her so much.

Her hand touches mine. "It's okay Spence. Let's just go."

I nod… I can't even argue with her. I can't even work up the curiosity to wonder how she knows, or if she knows. I just can't go near a football field.

We're halfway back to her house when she tells me to pull into a supermarket. She leaves me sitting there looking at the naked trees and the grey sky. I want to cry, but I make the tears stay in my eyes.

She comes back out with a couple of plastic bags full of food. We drive back to her place and I park. I just want her to be gone so I can kick myself for screwing it up.

"Come in Spence. The game is on cable. If we hurry, we'll see the kickoff."

I can't say anything. Did she just invite me in? I look over, afraid of what I will see. She takes my hand again and I see her eyes mean it.

"We'll have hot dogs, popcorn and beer." She picks up the bags.

I get out of the car and run around to open the door. She smiles at me and I feel my heart take wings.

We watch the game on her television. She holds my hand.

"Don't worry Spence. It's top secret."

I nod and she kisses my cheek. I know it doesn't mean anything. She's just trying to be a friend. I don't care. It's enough for now.

_Thank you Gideon! _


	11. Ancient Eyes

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**_A/n this is a rather odd POV. It was written specifically for my beta REIDFANATIC. Thanks for everything my friend. _**

**_Ancient Eyes _**

I am supposed to remain objective. I'm not supposed to have feelings. I was trained to treat everyone the same, to do no harm. It's always been easy to stay professional.

Then he walked into the hospital. How can anyone be so young, beautiful and brilliant and yet have such ancient eyes. I felt as though I were the younger of the two of us.

Is it possible to fall for someone in the space of a few hours? Whom am I kidding? It only took minutes. He spoke more intelligently than most of the doctors at the hospital. I couldn't help hanging on to his every word.

When I saw he was infected with Anthrax, my heart sank. When I saw in his ancient eyes the truth about why he didn't want drugs, my heart ached. When I saw that he couldn't speak because of the infection that raced in his blood, my heart went cold.

He helped us… _No_, he saved us all from terrible deaths when he should've been on his way to the hospital. He guided me to the cure as surely, as if he had taken my hand and led me there.

He woke up hours later and his ancient eyes looked at me. I am lost to those eyes and there is nothing I can do about it.


	12. Friends

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_**Friends**_

I tried to read on the plane, and not think about Cyrus and the mess we had to leave behind of people's broken lives. So many lives destroyed. It makes me feel bad for thinking that what happened in that place with Emily, is just another blow from the Fates that seem to delight in torturing me.

Then Emily sits down in front of me. She tells me that what Cyrus did to her wasn't my fault. How can she think that? But I see that she does mean it. She really means for me to let go of the terrible guilt I've had burrowing in my stomach since I saw her beaten face.

She said she'd do it again and I can see that she means it. I ask the Fates, or Destiny, or God to spare us from something so terrible. You see, I can't watch it happen to her again. She is my friend, and friends protect each other. I look into her dark eyes and I can see that she sees what I'm thinking.

I can't stop the smile that pushes my mouth up at the corners. Through all of what she has said to me, I haven't been able to speak. I want to say something clever or memorable, but I can't do it. Then I realize what she already knows, friends don't have to speak. They know what's in the other's heart and mind when it's important.

So, I'll try not to blame myself for not standing up and taking a beating for her. I'll try because she asked me to. I'll try because she cares. I'll try because she's my friend.


	13. What an Elephant remembers

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_**What an Elephant remembers**_

Why is he doing this? He said, "Prentiss cover me," like I'm just the back up and not a good friend. I tried to stop him but he said not to shoot. He knew Owen would come back to the Sheriff's office. He said it was what _he_ would do.

How thin is the line between right and wrong, between sanity and insanity, between choice and compulsion? I stand here and I watch him put his back to my gun, which is shaking in my hands. He puts his back to all of us as if we don't matter, as if he's the only one that can talk this kid down off a high place none of us can imagine.

I realized that my hands aren't shaking from fear anymore. They are shaking from rage. How dare he do this? How dare he force me to literally, hold a gun at his back, while I hope I don't have to pull the trigger? How dare he not trust this team?

Then it's over, the boy who would be a man, is wearing handcuffs. I watch Reid drop the necklace into Jordan's hands and I begin to understand. He sees Owen as a reflection of what might have been but for his iron will to survive and do the right thing.

My hands are shaking again - because I know now that anyone of us can go either way. Now I wonder if my hands will ever stop trembling.


	14. Black and White

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_**A/n this is another odd POV. **_

_**Black and White**_

I took a good look at him and I feel what I haven't felt in in years. It's been so long since I've felt a real challenge. It's been so long since I watched the life drain away from someone's eyes. I planned it all. I made it so these two were stuck in here with me. I'm the one that brought all of us together so I could survive.

Then something wondrous happened. I looked into his eyes and saw myself. I saw what I could have become if I had his iron control and it enraged me till I realized something. I saw that he was like me. This man should have become just like me. I don't know what made us different, but I saw the black potential in his eyes. I thought it was the perfect match. We would collide and it would be glorious when I killed him and saved him from all the control over himself. God, how boring that must be for him. I wish I'd had time to show him how to let go of all that control.

Then the other one interrupted me by saying that he knew why I was like I was. I listened to him because I wanted to know. He distracted me long enough for the guards to come back. I knew then, by looking into the eyes of the younger one that he was the greater threat. I should've taken him out first. Too bad there won't be a next time.


	15. Protecting my Family

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_**Protecting my family**_

When I strapped on my gun today I didn't think I'd have to use it. I've never killed anyone before. The others have used their weapons to save lives. I always thought they would be the ones to pull the trigger and keep us safe.

I can shoot. Hotch taught me. I pass my evaluations every year with no problem. Hotch always says that your gun is your life. He says that sometimes words don't work. He says that sometimes you have to pull the trigger.

So I pulled the trigger and killed a man that wanted to kill my friend. I told her that you do what you have to do to protect your family.

The strange thing is that I don't feel anything about it. I thought I'd be sick, or overcome with guilt. It's not like that at all.

Tomorrow, when I put my gun in my holster, will it feel different or will it feel the same? Perhaps I will ask one of the others. Do you think they will have the answer?


	16. Brothers in Arms

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_**Brother's in Arms**_

It's a strange feeling to stand here with plastic separating me from my friend and brother. It's there for my protection, but it's too late for him.

Damn him… Why couldn't he be careful just one time? He runs where angels fear to tread. I can't even be mad at him because he was just doing what comes naturally to Reid. It is as if it is hard-wired into him to try to help anyone in need. There are days I find myself wondering if he will come into the bureau with a lost kitten. It would not surprise me. Even though I would tease him about it, I would be proud too.

What am I supposed to do if he dies? He is my best friend and the only brother I will ever have. Watching them hose him down, to wash away the contagion that is already killing him, is like watching a cat play with the mouse it's about to kill. I know it has to be done, but it's useless and tortuous, and it's breaking my heart.

He tells me to go help Hotch, but I don't want to go. Then he forces me away by asking if I really want to see him get naked. I nearly laugh because I know, he knows, that's the only thing that will make me leave, trying to encroach on his highly prized privacy.

I leave - but as soon as this is over I am planting myself at his hospital bed and I am not leaving until he opens his eyes again.


	17. It can happen to anyone

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_**It can happen to anyone**_

The last two months have flown by and dragged by at the same time. I think there was a part of me that never believed I'd get here. I made it though, and now I'm getting my one year medallion.

I feel the coolness of the metal on my fingers and it reminds me of the night I met John. When I stood in front of those men, those servants of the public I saw only compassion and understanding, not judgment. I needed to see that so badly.

John knew who I was. He could have reported me, or fired me on the spot, but he didn't. Instead he treated me like a friend. He gave me his most prized possession. I didn't know why, but now I do.

It's up to me to take my life back from the brink it's been hovering over for more then a year. Two months ago, I wanted to walk out over the precipice and fall. Now, I'm well away from the edge. Like John, I know I have far too much to lose.


	18. Creepy Fun

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_**Creepy Fun **_

She is the one person I don't get. I put all my genius and logic to the problem and I still don't understand her. Hotch gets her and so does Morgan. I wish I knew what they know. Does it matter?

She gave me such a hard time about the house on the hill we had to search after dark. She thought it was creepy fun. I thought it was just creepy.

Still, I wouldn't trade her in for a million other friends. I have one question though. Where does she get all eyeglasses that match all of her clothes?


	19. Heartache

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_**A/n this is dedicated to my wonderful beta REIDFANATIC**_

**_Heartache_**

"_Well, finally!"_

"_Thought she was never going to admit it." _

"_What's it been now, a year?"_

"_Yeah, something like that."_

I can't stop hearing those words over and over in my head. It's like a death knell, the tolling of big brass bells spelling out my doom. They say, _it's over Spencer… You waited too long to act. You don't get another chance._ Can the others see that I chimed in only to hide my own torn and bleeding heart?

The world, in my eyes, is dark except for the warm golden light over her head. I see that light wherever we go. Now, _he's_ the only one that gets to bask in its warmth.


	20. A True Hero

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_**A True Hero**_

Some many people think that what we do is intellectual guesswork. The defense attorney Hotch had to face in court today said the same thing.

Then the lawyer made a serious mistake. He said that Hotch couldn't guess the color of his socks. Not only did Hotch tell him what color his socks were, he told everyone that man has a gambling problem with horses and predicated when this man would get his next race results.

I truly admire Hotch. Today I wanted to jump up in the courtroom and holler, "Go Hotch!" I wanted to laugh aloud. I had to restrain myself to a smile.

Hotch doesn't look for glory or admiration. He does the job because it is who he is. Anyone that says otherwise is a fool, or just plain ignorant.


	21. The Love of a Parent

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_**A/n this is for tearbos, who gave me the plot bunny to play with, so thanks my friend.**_

_**The Love of a Parent**_

The last thing I expected to happen during an interrogation, was for my mother to show up. My father didn't look surprised. I wonder how many times he's been to Bennington to see my mom in the last years. She hasn't told me if he has, but I'm not surprised by that. She's a very private person in many ways.

They told me everything… How they covered up a murder because a pedophile had killed the son of their friend. They were afraid for me. They wanted to protect me. I wanted to be angry, but at the same time I felt this overwhelming sense of gratitude. They risked everything for me out of love.

I've never been sure that my father loved my mother or me. Now I know that he does. I'm still furious that he left, but I can't feel the same way about it as I did.

My mother said 'what's done is done.' How can my father forgive me for doubting him to the point I thought him a murderer. How do I forgive myself?


	22. Closure

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_**A/n the poetry quoted in this drabble is the intellectual property of Wordsworth. It's also one of my favorites! **_

_**Closure**_

I asked Hotch to take me to the home of Darcy Corbett's father. He didn't ask why, he knew that this case was different. It shook all of us to the core of our beliefs. What truly makes the man? Is it memories or the deeds that define them?

I took the watch to Mr Corbett because he needed to have something of Darcy that wasn't destroyed by a sick man. He needed closure, even if I don't believe in it.

I knew the poetry engraved on the timepiece by heart. It was one of the first poems my mother ever read to me. For the first time in my life, I decided to deliberately feign ignorance, not to save myself from bullies or to fit in, but to give a small gift to another human being that needed it.

_Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower, we will grieve not rather find strength in what remains behind. _


	23. Is this your card?

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_**A/n the thanks for this idea goes to my beta REIDFANATIC. Ejoy...**_

_**Is this your card?**_

I never thought she would call me. I thought, she was just being nice, don't make anything out of it that isn't there. I told myself that she wouldn't want to talk to me. I'd be the one that reminded her of nearly at the hands of a maniac.

So when the phone rang this morning, I didn't think it would be anyone important. I heard her voice and my heart wanted to leap out of my chest. Then I thought she's just being nice again. She wants to thank me. It was my fault that he focused on her, I was the one that told her what to look for and that got the attention of the killer. She should have hated me. Instead, she said her brush with death had inspired her to pursue a different career.

She sent me my card back with a lipstick impression of her lips on it. Girls don't treat me like that. It was something a woman would do for someone like Morgan…

She didn't send it to Morgan though… She sent it to me. Does that mean she really likes me?


	24. One in a Million

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_**A/n this is for EditorFrog who gave me the bunny to play with. **_

_**One in a Million**_

It's truly strange how your life can change in just one moment. I was doing my job. The same job I've been doing for a couple of years. I've met a lot of guys standing behind this bar, some of them where kind of nice. A lot of them are not so nice. Some are arrogant and some are cool.

His friend was just like a lot of the guys I meet here, but this one was different. I wrote him off as some odd character that was kind of nerdy looking and very shy. Then he did this great magic trick I didn't see coming from someone like him.

I found myself wondering what was under the surface of this geeky looking FBI agent. Then I found myself wondering why I cared. He's just another guy in a bar. He's just like all the rest.

So if he's just like all the rest - why am I sending back his card with my lip prints on it?


	25. A different perspective

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_**A different perspective**_

My mother always told me people make mistakes. She says that no one is without flaws in this world. She says always trust in your friends and don't elevate them on a pedestal.

Despite the good advice she gave me, I've always looked up to Morgan. Till now… We're stuck here in an elevator and he's so wound up it wouldn't surprise me if he took off and pinged off the walls like a steel ball in pinball machine.

I know I shouldn't feel vindicated by this insight into my friend, but I can't help myself. I know what you're thinking, I'm afraid too. At least I'm not alone this time and that makes all the difference.


	26. To Panic or not to Panic

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_**To Panic or not to Panic **_

I can deal with just about anything. I don't have a problem with gun-toting un-subs, or ambulances with huge bombs on board them. I can deal with living every day with the memories of Carl Buford and how he ripped my adolescence apart. I can even deal with riding in the same vehicle with Reid driving.

The one thing I can't handle is the possibility of an elevator plummeting to the ground with me inside. I know, you would think I'd be more afraid of getting shot, or blown up, or splattered all over the road.

It didn't help that Reid had a statistic for elevator deaths- like I want to hear about that. How is it that he could stay clear-headed enough to quote statistic and I'm completely panicking?


	27. Looking beneath the surface

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_**Looking beneath the surface**_

I have been the administrator at Bennington for a two years. Diana Reid's not like some of my patients. She's intelligent and well read. She's kind and perceptive to a degree that astonishes me.

I remember the first time I met her son. I was prepared to think ill of him. After all, he never comes to see his mother, but writes letters every day. I had him built up in my mind as a selfish young man, with little regard for Diana. I was wrong. Under the letters and the reluctance to visit is a kind and gentle soul who loves his mother. It cuts him every time he comes here. I can almost see him bleed. He wants so badly for there to be some kind of magic cure for his mom.

Of all the people I see and work with in this institution, there's no one I'd like more to cure than Diana Reid. If I could give her back, healthy and whole to her exceptional son, I would.

Perhaps one day…


	28. The Changing of the Guard

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_**A/n thanks to my bet REIDFANATIC for this little bunny**_

_**The Changing of the Guard **_

Jason Gideon is my mentor and my friend. I always thought I needed his influence and wisdom in my job. He was always a great sounding board for me. Then he didn't show for our chess game or the briefing. I was concerned but we had that case…

As I watched, the car drive away with that cute little boy inside, I couldn't believe how everyone's life had changed. Gideon was missing, Hotch had asked for a transfer and Emily had resigned. It was as if my life had taken a sudden turn into unreality.

I didn't want to be the one to modify the profile to find that little boy. It made me sick to realize that they all knew I was talking about myself as a child. I never wanted them to know how bad it was for me with my mom.

Hotch understood without saying anything to me. He ran with the new profile even though Strauss was watching everything we did. I'm not happy I was right, but I am happy that I could do this job despite my substitute father's absence. Yes, after years on the team I should have known it would be alright, but I didn't, not till now.

I hope Gideon is okay…


	29. JellO Thief

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_**Jell-O Thief**_

I felt like a semi-truck ran over me when I opened my eyes two days ago. Morgan was sitting next to my hospital bed eating _my_ Jell-O. Linda - I mean Dr Kimura - said he stayed there all night waiting for me to wake up. She said he asked her or the nurses every time they came into check on me when I was going to wake up, what was taking so long, and would I be okay when I woke up.

Of course, the minute Dr Kimura said I was going to be okay, he was back to teasing me about my 'bed hair' as he put it. I'd like to see him look great after being exposed to a lethal toxin, then being hosed and scrubbed down by total strangers, then going unconscious for twelve hours.

Gideon used to tell me that Morgan teases me because he cares and it's his way of showing it. That maybe true, but did he have to steal_ my_ Jell-O?


	30. The Center Holds

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_**The Center Holds **_

Everything seemed to be spiraling out of control. It was slipping out of my hands and I didn't know what to do

When the paperwork came through for Hotch's transfer and for Emily to quit the BAU, I was stunned. I couldn't let it happen.

I was shaking so hard when I took that file to Hotch and lied to him that JJ had wanted him to have it. I prayed he wouldn't be angry with me.

When he said that I had to stop tying up the paperwork, I thought he'd never trust me again. When he said thank you, I knew he would.

Yeats said the center does not hold… I don't believe that. I think it shifts and changes to support the whole. Our center changed shape, but it _will_ hold.


	31. The Locked Door

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_**The Locked Door **_

They say when you die - you see your life flash before your eyes. I wonder… Can you see another's life pass before your eyes when he's dying and you're not?

It's funny the terror, and the feeling of utter and complete defeat, some white powder in a broken vial can stir up in your gut.

I wanted to break in the door. I could've taken it down easily and he knew it, but I didn't go all Neanderthal, as he sometimes calls me. I backed away because I was afraid. I left him in there with a dead body and a deadlier contagion.

Don't tell me it was the right thing to do. Don't tell me that two sick or dying agents are worse than one. Don't tell me he understood. Don't tell me…


	32. The Pickup Artist

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_**The Pickup Artist **_

Irritation was the first thing I felt when he said, "I'm going to school you." I hate it when he gets that way. Still, seeing her face pushed everything else from my mind.

She was politely interested when I showed my badge and my heart sank a little. I am supposed to be professional, but she's so beautiful. I took a chance and decided to take Morgan's advice and put some magic into my story.

She smiled at me and asked me how I did it. Of course, I couldn't say and I was a bit afraid she'd be mad. She wasn't mad and I nearly fainted when she asked if she could call. I resisted the strong urge to turn around and find out if she was talking to Morgan, or some other good-looking man.

She liked me leaving my card in her hair. The interested look in her eyes made my heart speed up. I felt sort of dizzy, too. Is this what it feels like the first time someone notices you?


	33. More then a Human Computer

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_**More then a Human Computer **_

They don't understand him… I admit that_ I_ didn't understand him for the first months back at work. He was a strange and shy young man that looked at me with hero worship. He got over the hero worship faster than I got over by surprise at his talents.

Once I accepted his genius, I began to admire it. Then, the comments, the looks and stares began to irritate me. Every time someone would say something sarcastic or mean about him or to his face, it put my back up.

I surprised myself by snapping back at one police officer when he asked us where we got Dr. Reid. "He was left in a basket on the steps of the BAU."

I broke my cardinal rule, the one that says to ignore the stares and the curious looks. It's okay that they stare at me and wonder if I'm really "that David Rossi." It's not okay for Reid.


	34. Battle of Wills

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_**Battle of Wills**_

She knew the first time I realized who she was. I saw it in her eyes. She wanted to toy with me, make me run away and leave her to her dominance over a sad and broken young man.

She knows nothing of me… She doesn't understand that I've been there before, that I've seen the wreck of a human life stolen by another. She doesn't realize that her posturing and insistence on her mastery over him just hardens my resolve.

I don't shy away from challenges, not since the first time a bully smashed his fist into my face and I had to decide to be weak or strong. I had to claw my way out of a broken home with a parent chained by mental illness. I had to prove myself to agents in the bureau that are bullies in suits and ties. I still have to prove myself every time we go into the field and some local questions my ability.

She thinks she has won. She's wrong… I will see Adam free again if it takes my last breath.

I will…


	35. On the outside looking in

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**_On the outside looking in_**

Whoever said that life isn't fair had a gift for understatement. I try with all my strength to understand why he suffers more than most of us, but I can't figure it out.

I wanted to cry when he asked me to make a recording for his mother. I felt like the worst kind of voyeur - while I listened to him tell his mom how much he loves her. It was like reading your best friend's diary without their permission.

Then it occurred to me that he asked me to do this, knowing that I would be a witness. He trusts me… I should be happy. Instead, I feel a deep sadness I can't banish with colorful things and sarcastic insults.

He's okay now… My fingers hover above the keys that will erase the recording. It's strange… I can't make them strike and send it to oblivion.


	36. A Mother's Pain

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_**A Mother's Pain**_

It's all over now. The smoke from the explosion is fading. I see more clearly, now that the tears that threatened to surface in those agonizing minutes when I thought Morgan and Reid might not come out of the burning building, are gone.

I see Kathy's face. The look that haunts her eyes is one I'll never forget. My family is intact. My friends are alive. Her daughter is gone. She'll never come back because an evil man seduced her.

Now her mother, who risked her own life to save her daughter, must go off into the night alone. I try to speak to her, to make it better, but I can't because I don't know what to say.

So I leave with my team, my friends, my surrogate family. We fly away, leaving devastated lives behind us. Still, I can't get her face out of my mind. She haunts me, but at the same time, I hope I never forget.

The innocent ones should never be forgotten…


	37. Fathers

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_**Fathers**_

He disgusted me… I found myself wanting to beat him to a bloody pulp. I think I was angry enough to punch a hole into his chest and crush his still beating heart. I held back because it wouldn't change anything and we had to find his daughter. Even so, I was furious. How could he do this? I lost my father, while she has hers. How could he do it?

When it was over and he led us to his daughter and his 'soul mate,' I watched her lash out at the man who'd given her life. I could see that it wasn't grief on his face when she screamed at him. He was angry that his fun was over. It was then that I realized something. My father died a hero's death. Her father lives on and she has to live with his betrayal.

I miss my father. It hurts every day of my life. How much is she hurting now? I hope I never have to know!


	38. Sometimes dreams don't come true

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_**Sometimes dreams don't come true**_

"_You know I love you, right?"_

I have been waiting for three years to hear those words said to me. Ever since the first day I saw him. I should have been happy to hear them.

I said that I loved him too. The difference is that I meant it and he didn't. At least not the way I'd always dreamed. He loves me I know, but as a best friend loves you.

It's not what I want, but I know it's all he can give. So I'll give up my dream. There is someone else that looks at me the way I wish Derek could look at me. For now, it will have to be enough.


	39. The Many over the One

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_**The Many over the One**_

Morgan pleaded with me to make Reid leave this place. There was a small moment when I wanted to do it. I wanted to go in there myself and drag him out so he'd get the care he needed.

I couldn't ignore the fact that Reid was right. He was already infected. We needed him to figure out who this man was, and how to find him before he decided to kill hundreds.

The military passed over Chad Brown because he thought it was appropriate to sacrifice the lives of the few, to save the many. I nearly sacrificed the life of one very much-loved member of my team to save hundreds. What does that say about me? How much can I lose of myself, and the values I live by, before I don't recognize myself?


	40. The JellO Thief Part II

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_**A/n this is for Editor Frog who wanted to know Morgan's side of the story.**_

_**The Jell-O Thief Part II**_

The nurses wanted me to leave. I refused to budge. I stayed there all night because he is my friend, and my little brother.

Dr. Kimura finally came in and said that the cure was working. He'd be okay. I knew he would be. He's survived far too much to be stopped by a virus.

Yes, I stole his Jell-O. I really don't like Jell-O. I knew it would irritate him if I ate his cup. You see, he's my brother. It's my job to tease him. Yeah. I know we're both adults. I can't help myself. Don't tell him, but I plan to buy him a case of cherry Jell-O when he gets out of here. See, I'm not so bad!


	41. The Sting of Memory

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_**The Sting of Memory**_

I've never met anyone like him. He's the most unique person I know. When I first met him, I was a bit flattered and annoyed by his hero worship. He seemed so fragile to me, like a fine porcelain dish that would break at the slightest jarring movement. Now I know how strong he is.

Sitting there in that office and watching her hypnotize him was harder than I thought it would be. I've never seen anyone as terrified as he was when she took him back to when he was a little boy. I wanted to step into his memories and stand guard over his four-year-old self. I couldn't, all I could do was watch him relive something horrible.

I was so angry. I knew he had to know for sure about his father, but I was furious at the pain and fear in his eyes. I can't fight that. I can't beat it down with reason and logic because I can't change what he went through as a child.

I hope the day comes that I can forget that look of terror. For now, it haunts my dreams.


	42. Facing Death

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_**Facing Death**_

_"Dr. Reid… Did you cut yourself?"_

I forgot about the puncture wound from the rose bush. It stung for a few minutes, but then I saw Dr. Nichols and the pain was pushed out of my mind.

Dr. Kimura looked at me as if my death warrant had already been signed, and filed away by the Fates. All that was left was for them to snip the thread of my life. I looked in her eyes and I felt the cold steel of their shears against my soul.

How could I be so stupid? It had got directly in my blood, now I have hours instead of the day I'd generously given myself in my head. Not yet… I don't want to go yet. There is too much left to do.

When will I learn to look before I leap? Will the Fates give me another chance or have I used up all of my get out of death free cards?

I guess it's up to them now.


	43. Hypnotherapy

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_**Hypno-therapy**_

Men are my job… I'm paid to make them happy. Normally, I don't have to work that hard to catch their eyes and their wallets. He was different. He was unique.

Instead of flirting, which was completely lost on him, I found myself talking about how I couldn't stop smoking. I should have felt insulted that he didn't seem interested. Instead, it made him that much more attractive.

Did I mention that he just gave me two thousand dollars? At first, I wanted to blow it on the game. Now I think I'll take it and go to a hypnotist.


	44. Its never too late to learn to flirt

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_**It's never too late to learn to flirt**_

The last couple of days have been full of revelations. Like me telling Linda, she looks nice while she's wearing a hazmat suit. How clever do you have to be to think up that one? Still, she didn't look offended. She looked happy to hear it from me. I actually said something flattering to a woman and it had _nothing _to do with statistics! Too bad I thought I was going to _die_ in a few hours. Perfect timing, as usual.

So I woke up from almost dying, and she's standing there looking great in a black skirt and blouse. Should I say something? Nope, Morgan's still here. I'll wait till he leaves!


	45. Revelation

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_**Revelation**_

I knew from the beginning that something was wrong with him. There was something in his eyes. He was nice enough, but there was just something…

I saw all the computers and I knew I was right. He was the one we were looking for. He wasn't the witness. He was the killer.

I admit that I was excited rather than scared. JJ and I were in the right place at the right time. We were on our own, but I was sure we could handle it alone. She told me to wait, but I left her alone.

Now, I am awake and my head hurts. I want to vomit from the smell. Tobias is here, but it's not him anymore. My eyes are blurry from the pain, but I can see it's not him. It's someone else. It's all the bullies I ever met in my life all tied up into one. He's going to be worse than all of them

Oh dear God… What's going to happen to me now?


	46. What if?

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_**A/n this moment is dedicated to tearbos, who suggested it to me**_

_**What if? **_

I've never been so shocked in my life. It was as if I was riding in a high performance car at fifty-five and the driver shifted from forth to first gear. I felt tossed forward into a situation that I could not understand.

My mother and my father walked into the interrogation room and it became a dream. I hadn't seen them together for nearly twenty years, but they looked at each other the way I remembered from when I was a kid.

They only wanted to protect me. He wanted to protect her. I couldn't make it track in my head. I felt like gravity had increased and was pulling me into an alternate world of what if. The game of, 'what if' is a dangerous game to play. I've played it hard for years and it doesn't get me anything but more pain.

Seeing them together doesn't change anything. I know they just wanted to protect me, but all I wanted was a family. Is that too much to ask?


	47. It doesn't make it all better

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_**It doesn't make it all better**_

I know she only wanted to help. I love her for it. When they said they had more information about my father's personal life, a part of me didn't want to hear it. If I heard that he's just a nice, normal guy, it would be that much harder to hate him.

Garcia said that he had everything I'd ever written and published in his collection, every news article that had been printed about me. There was this instant that I wanted to be happy. I wanted to believe that he loves me.

There's one big problem. He left us. He left us and settled just miles down the road without a word. I can't forgive him for that, no matter how much he claims to love me.

Why can't the team see that and let it go?


	48. The Bait

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_**The Bait**_

The guys started talking about going to the clubs. I thought I was safe. What could I do in a club to help? That's right up Morgan's alley.

"_You need to bait him with someone he sees as a challenge."_

"_We need to study him up close and personal. It's going to take someone he's already attracted to."_

I wanted to smack that little smirk right off Reid's face. In fact, I wanted to deck them all. They thought they were so wise and funny.

Seriously, I'd rather strap on a vest and get shot at, or be tortured and beat up by a psycho cult leader, than go to a club and flirt with Viper.

Okay… I know what you're thinking. It's my turn to take one for the team. I have to do it and save another girl's life. I want to save women from this psycho. It's what I do.

Doesn't mean I have to like it!


	49. Letting Go

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_**Letting Go**_

Standing there in the light of the late afternoon sun, I felt a weight that I'd been carrying around with me for years, finally lift from my shoulders. I felt lighter than I could ever remember.

Finding the man that killed their parents didn't end the way I expected, but does the end matter when those children finally found some measure of peace.

I'll never forget her kissing my cheek, or him shaking my hand. When she gave me the charm bracelet to keep, I wanted to weep for the first time in years. Maybe I've missed out, divorcing wife after wife and never having a family.

I've always thought of them as kids. I saw them standing there together as they looked the first time we met. Then I really saw them as the adults they have become.

Does it always hurt this much to let go of your kids?


	50. Nightmares

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_**Nightmares**_

They were so angry with me… I don't blame them. I'm supposed to be reassuring them now, but all I did was make things worse.

She asked me if I was okay. I didn't know what to say, so I told her the truth. She said she was afraid to close her eyes, because she might see Michael die. What is my fear compared to the dead and hopeless, look in her eyes?

Michael may die despite us. How do I face his mother again if he does? How do I go on to the next case? If we succeed and he lives, we will have beaten the odds again. How many more children will we save before the odds swing against us and we fail? How do I go on with that sword hanging over me?


	51. Standing up for Innocence

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_**Standing up for Innocence**_

He said I should be happy with the outcome of the case. We saved a child's life. He said it was as good a day as we could get on the job.

I tried to tell him that my mother knew I was in danger as a kid. He thought it was just her paranoid ravings. He didn't see her when I talked to her. I've known her my whole life. I know all her moods. I've memorized every look in her eyes. She was truly afraid.

So despite that fact that Morgan doesn't believe me, I believe in her. I'm going to stay here and find out why she was afraid for me.

The nightmares are leading me somewhere. I will find the answer, even if I have to follow the path alone. I'm afraid of what I'll find, but I can't turn away. I owe it to a child too small to defend himself from a monster. Who will stand for him, if not me?


	52. Knight of the Round Table

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_**Knight of the Round Table**_

I thought I could talk him into telling us where we could find Rebecca. I knew I had to shake him out of the King Arthur fantasy long enough to find her. I was wrong.

He thought I had the magic words. He wanted to be healed, but I couldn't do that for him. When I saw the bomb, I knew I'd made a huge mistake.

It all happened so fast after I turned to run. The explosion was louder than I thought it would be. The pain was brief because Morgan was there to put out my burning leg.

We found Rebecca. She's going to be okay. My mother did her part to help us to find her. I wish … Well, it's no use wishing things were different.

We were lucky tonight. I was lucky I wasn't blown to pieces. I had to do it though. I promise next time to think before I leap. I promise I'll never get into trouble like that again. I promise…


	53. My Choice

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_**My Choice**_

I did it without thinking, or stopping to consider the consequences. As agents of the bureau, they train us to think, to consider every option before acting, because someone's life might be on the line.

Someone's life was on the line that day. I stepped into his shoes and took the beating without thinking about what was going to happen to me. I saw the gun pointed at his head and there was _no _other way. I could not let it happen to him again.

So _do not _sit over there and ask me why I did it. _Do not _speak to me in that smug, psychologist's tone. You try working with them, going through the hell I did with him, and then tell me I made the wrong choice.

Would I do it again? _Yes_… A hundred times over.


	54. No escape for me

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_**No escape for me**_

"_The only thing helping them now is the morphine."_

Dr. Kimura said it like it was nothing. Okay, I'm sure it's very important to her_. _She couldn't know the fear those words struck in my heart. How could she know that my greatest fear is to have to choose between suffering and relief if I ever get badly injured?

There's no reason for her to check her words. She doesn't know I go to meetings whenever I can. She doesn't realize I stand up in front of men just like me to say, "Hi, my name is Spencer, I'm a drug addict."

It's my fault… I had a choice to make one terrible night. I could have walked away. Gideon was there. He would've helped me if I had asked. Instead, I took the vials and began a journey that will never end for me.

At least this time, I'm on the outside of this terrible disease. I won't have to choose between suffering and oblivion. I'm safe this time.


	55. On the other side of the door

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**_On the other side of the door_**

You know that moment when you realize you just messed up big time. That just happened to me. I looked in the window and saw the body on the floor. I just wanted to see if he was alive, so I ran inside without thinking.

I see the broken vial on the floor and the air conditioning running overhead. I hear Morgan calling for me. He's going to come in here and I can't let that happen. He's my brother in every way that counts. He must not be harmed because of my oversight.

I shut the door and lock it before he can stop me. He asks me what's wrong because he doesn't understand. I watch him look at the broken vial on the floor and understanding comes into his eyes. He's angry too, and I'm going to have to endure a lecture when this is over.

Will I live long enough to hear it?


	56. A rose is just a rose

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_**A/n this is for Sue1313. Thanks for the bunny**_

_**A rose is just a rose **_

It's funny how you never notice anything until it sort of jumps out at you. Take roses for instance, they smell great and they're very aesthetically pleasing, but I don't really notice them.

Garcia likes roses. She gets them all the time from Kevin. JJ likes them too. I never see Emily get flowers, although she always gets this wistful look on her face when a dozen arrive for Garcia or JJ.

So, here I am, walking along minding my own business when one jumps out at me and cuts my hand with a thorn. Is that a metaphor for my life, do you think?

Still, no harm done but a little sting and some residual pain. We're at Dr. Nichols home. I'm going to go check it out while Morgan talks to Emily. No danger in that, right?


	57. Skill or Will

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_**Skill or Will**_

_Does he lack the skill to make the shot, or the will to take it?_

Hotch said that to us on the plane. I didn't know what he meant until now. I'm sitting here on the plane looking out the window into the darkness and now I know.

Phillip Dowd is dead because I pulled the trigger. Gideon said it was okay to feel nothing. He said I did what I had to do.

Those words "did what you had to do." There was no other way. I pulled the gun from Hotch's ankle holster and I shot him with pinpoint accuracy.

The answer to the question is I have the skill and the will to take the shot when it counts. Okay, lesson learned, I am sure it will not happen again.


	58. He's not like all the rest

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_**A/n another rather odd POV. See if you can guess the episode.**_

_**He's not like all the rest**_

I've been a madam for years. I've met every type of man imaginable in my work. I train my girls how to talk to men and how to seduce their clients and make them feel like they're in control instead of the escort. It's an art form that some of them can't perfect, even after years of practice.

I've dealt with police and federal agents every day of my life. My girls entertain law enforcement as a matter of course. They aren't immune to the escape and release of sex.

He's unlike any federal agent I've ever met. You can spot them a mile away running in the opposite direction. I never would have fingered him as an agent, a college student maybe, but not a fed.

I admit to finding his naiveté and stuttering very cute and refreshing. It's why I flirted with him. I hoped to shock him with my question into revealing what he liked, but it didn't work. Too bad… If his partner hadn't been there I'm sure I could have taught him a thing or two.

Maybe a trip to DC is in order…


	59. He always comes back

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_**He always comes back**_

I knew as soon as I saw him that something was wrong. He tried to deny it, but I'm his mother. I know when something is bothering him. We may have lived apart for years, but I know my baby boy.

He said he'd been seeing things, and it scared me to death. For a minute, I imagined him here with me, trapped in his mind. I couldn't stand it if it were true. I was relived that it was his dreams that had him upset and not the beginnings of his inheritance from me.

We talked of a boy that I knew wasn't real, but that he insisted was real. Maybe he's right and I was confused. I'm always confused when I think of those days when Spencer was a child and I wasn't taking my meds, as I should.

Then he got that look in his eyes. The one that said he'd put together the answers to a perplexing puzzle. He always gets so excited when a puzzle becomes clear for him.

He said a distracted goodbye and left. I should be used to it by now, but I always miss him when he goes. I know he'll find the child and bring him back to his mother. I know he will because my baby is perfection. He can do anything.

He'll be back… Even if it takes months, he always comes back.


	60. Trapped in oblivion

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_**Trapped in oblivion**_

Can a person be trapped, and at the same time, love the cage he inhabits? I'm trapped, but the cage is oblivion. How do you leave a cage that offers a way to leave reality behind even if it's for precious few minutes?

I look at my face in the mirror and I see a man that I no longer recognize looking back at me. The small vials in my bag are burning a hole through the leather. They call to me so loudly that I can't hear anything else. I can't hear the victims I see every day, calling to me to help them.

My friends don't seem to care what I do. I look at the vials in my hand and I wonder… Would they care if I went away for good?


	61. It's just a dream

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_**It's just a dream**_

Something is wrong… I hear them arguing again and it's scary. Why do they yell at each other? Was I bad?

It's morning and I just want to see the sunshine. I push up my glasses and go down to see mommy. She's standing by the window and crying. I don't like to see her cry. She goes away and I go to the window. I want to see what she sees. Maybe I can help if I see it too.

I see daddy burning clothes. They're red… It's blood. I know what blood looks like. Daddy… Stop burning the clothes with blood. It's bad! I'm very scared. I want to go hide. Why is he doing that?

I'll go hide in my room and sleep. It's just a dream. I'll wake up and it will just be a dream.


	62. Why?

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_**Why?**_

He doesn't understand what it's like to be at the mercy of a merciless soul. He can't imagine the pain of a stone slamming into the bottom of your foot while the bones break, or the stench of burning fish hearts. He can't comprehend what it's like to be subjected against your will to powerful hallucinogenic narcotics. He doesn't know what it's like to be marched barefoot through a freezing cemetery at night to dig your own grave. He doesn't know what it's like to kill the abuser, and the victim, with one bullet.

He's my friend. I know he cares about me. I know I can't save everyone. I know Tobias and Adam are not one and the same. I just want to know why I couldn't save one of them.


	63. Distracted

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_**Distracted**_

I should have realized that something was wrong with him. He took me by surprise because I didn't see what Morgan saw. I was too busy being pissed that Morgan went to Gideon and Hotch about my dreams. I shouldn't have been brooding over my nightmares. If I hadn't, I might have seen what Morgan was seeing.

I thought he was a smart kid, someone kind of like me. It was unusual to run into someone outside that understands philosophy, and science, and had an interest in profiling. By the time I realize he wasn't, I had a gun to my head.

I know everyone gets distracted. Getting distracted in this job can kill you. My problems won't distract me again. I'll show Morgan he can count on me. He won't have to worry about me again.


	64. Belonging

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_**Belonging**_

I never thought a birthday cake and a silly hat could mean anything other than just what they are, the way to mark the passage of another year of your life. My mother never hosted a birthday party for me. Some years she forgot, other years she would remember but be too wrapped up in some paranoid fantasy to care. Sometimes she would say that birthday parties were for average children, not genii like me.

I always told myself that she was right. I thought I didn't care, but when I would overhear other kids talking about their parties I wanted one too. It's funny how that stays with you till you're all grown up.

When they bought me a cake and even when I couldn't blow out the trick candles, I realized something very important. I have friends. They care enough to make me wear a stupid hat and tease me with dumb tricks. It was the best birthday I have ever had.

Too bad I missed out on chocolate cake!


	65. I'm the only one who can

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_**I'm the only one who can**_

They stand there looking at me like I'm never coming back. I think they're all angry with me. Can't they see that the only way to save lives is for me to go. I'm the only one that can do this. It's not just strangers that are in danger. Elle's in there too. She's my friend. I didn't really know what that meant till I started working with this team. Now that I have friends, I can't lose one of them.

I asked them to look at me like they'd see me again. I know it came out like I was irritated but really, I can do this. They can trust me! I will do exactly what Gideon ordered. I'll pretend to take out the chip and get off the train. I won't take off my vest. I'll stay safe. I promise.


	66. A life worth the sacrifice

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_**A life worth the sacrifice**_

The doctor said I can't make it through this. He said that without the medication I might hurt my baby and myself. He said the voices and the paralyzing fear would come back. He said it would be better for me to terminate the pregnancy now.

I look at myself in the mirror and I see someone that just wants to be well. I want to be normal, but I know I can't be like everyone else. I know I'll never get better.

William and I didn't plan on this, but I can't say no. It's not rational, but sometimes I feel as though someone is telling me not to end my pregnancy. It's not like the voices I used to hear all the time. It's an innocent voice, full of love.

I don't know how I'll survive, but I will get through this. I have to give this life a chance no matter the consequences for me because this life is going to be special. I don't know how I know that, but I do.


	67. He's so lifelike

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_**He's so life-like**_

Everyone teases him. I know I shouldn't join in, but I couldn't help it. There's something about him that brings out the kid in all of us. I think it's sad that we don't embrace it more often. Listening to him explain the code the Angel Maker used was sort of like sitting though a high school math class. It was interesting but sort of boring at the same time. I guess I just wanted to break the tension a bit. So I said the first thing that came to mind.

Still, none of us on the team can deny one truth. He's more then life-like, he's Reid!


	68. Playing the Part

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_**Playing the part**_

Hearing Michael Stanton's name jolted me. Then the word 'agent,' sent my heart pounding. He walked onto the elevator, and in an instant, I had to make a decision. He was much better looking than most of my clients. If I wanted to, I could push the right buttons in seconds and have him eating out of my hand.

I decided to play the other side. If he is a Fed, then let him kick himself for not seeing through the generic executive I play. When I finish what I need to do, maybe I'll go after him. Then again, maybe I won't go for the kill. Leaving him in guilt that he didn't see me would be so much better.

Anyway, I have ten thousand dollars and an unfeeling bastard waiting for me. He has to be punished before I can have any fun!


	69. Fantasy versus Reality

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_**Fantasy versus Reality**_

I have been told many times by Gideon, and Morgan, to play into the fantasy of an unsub when it's necessary. It's always been acting with others, but this time it was a little too close to home. I told her that Lila kissed me and that meant we were in love. It worked. Maggie went to jail and Lila and I went back to everyday life.

I look at the cover of that tabloid newspaper and I hear Morgan saying that I was Lila's hero. I should throw it away. It doesn't matter what Morgan says, she only liked me because of transference. She was playing a part. It wasn't real.

You know, I don't care if it wasn't real. Just because everyone says the geek can't date the cheerleader, doesn't mean it won't happen to me.

Right?


	70. Little white Lies

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_**Little white Lies**_

It was amazingly easy to lie to them. I couldn't believe how easy it was to put on a happy face for my team. I didn't like it but it was necessary. I couldn't tell them the real reason I want to stay here. I have to do this on my own.

It was easy to lie to the detective too. When did I become so good at deception? I should feel bad about it, but all I can think of is Riley Jenkins and my father. If I can close this case on my own and exonerate my father, then no one has to know I thought him a pedophile and child murderer. If he's a killer, I have to know. Only then can I deal with what that means for me.

_Wait_, the door to my hotel room is open and I can hear voices inside. Rossi and Morgan are here. Maybe I'm not as good a liar as I thought!


	71. The beginning of uncertainty

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**_The beginning of uncertainty_**

It's easy to get complacent. We do the job every day and become so sure of ourselves. In fact, we've got a bit arrogant in our surety. I never thought we'd be on the other side of the profile, that someone would use my words against me.

If it had been anyone other than a member of my team, I would have agreed with the profile. I would have said that they had their man and they didn't need us. It wasn't that easy. It was Morgan sitting in that interrogation room.

How do you have faith in yourself when your words, and thoughts, are used to cage one of your own? How do you do the job after seeing a friend on the other side of the fight? What if you're wrong the next time you go out there?

Hotch always tells me that we can only do the best we can with the information we have. Isn't that what happened in Chicago, at least in the beginning?

Elle's already gone and Morgan lost his valuable privacy to find the right man. What will this job take from the rest of my team?


	72. Never the same

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_**Never the same **_

She begged me to kill her. She said she would be happier if I shot her. She had this expression of serenity I'll never forget.

I had seen that expression before in my mother's eyes. That moment reminded me of the day I came home and found my mother sitting with a bottle of sleeping pills in her hand. She told me to walk away, that she would be happier if I would let her die. It happened three months before my eighteenth birthday. It's why I sent her away.

All of that rushed through my mind as I held my gun on her. I couldn't let her die. I told her we'd get her help. I said it was going to be okay for her, but I knew nothing would ever be the same.


	73. Blind Justice

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_**Blind Justice**_

We found her son. We could've saved her but she sacrificed her life for him, so that he could live without the stain of his father's sins.

She was beautiful in the last moments of her life. I looked in her eyes and heard her tell me that it was okay, that she was at peace.

I've always trusted the justice system, that it was truly blind, but now I know it is. It was blind to the truth in her eyes, and as I sit here and listen to Riley play I'm grateful. He'll always have a guardian angel.


	74. Stressor

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_**Stressor**_

I wake up every morning with the smell of blood in my nostrils. The coopery stench of it invades my dreams every night. I can see the red splatters and stains on the walls of that high school bathroom as clearly, as if it happened yesterday. I can still hear Lindsay plead with her father to kill him. I can still see the look on his face as he looked at the man that kidnapped and nearly raped his daughter, as he shot him.

I should have tired harder to stop him. I should have found the words that would make Jack hear me. I should have been more like Morgan, or Hotch, or Rossi. They would have found a way to stop him.

I can feel the desire for the poison I left behind months ago. It's burning in my head and my blood like a Siren's song. The call is irresistible… I need help this time. I can't stop the lure of it by myself. It's time to make a choice. I can descend back into darkness or embrace the light.

_**There are something's that time cannot mend. Some hurts go too deep, that have taken hold.**_

_**Frodo Baggins - The Lord of the Rings/Return of the King ~ **_


	75. A life for the Cause

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_**a/n this one stumped my beta. See if you can figure it out**_

_**A life for the Cause **_

It was the second time in the last year that I've seen someone die in front of me. Twice I watched men die in a rush and splatter of blood, and twice there was nothing I could do to stop it.

It was different this time. This time I didn't feel that icy pull of shock in the pit of my stomach. I didn't feel anything looking at him, except a mild curiosity.

Why does a person give their life to such a cause? Why kill yourself, and innocents, out of loyalty to something far beyond the scope of what's normal or just?

I should feel bad because we couldn't stop him, shouldn't I?


	76. Here we go again!

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_**Here we go again**_

Well, here I am again, in the examination room of the ER, mere weeks after surviving a weaponized pathogen. You know something in your life has to change when they wheel you in and the nurses greet you by name. Seriously, after the seventh or eighth time landing in the hospital in four years, you begin to feel bitch-slapped by Karma for something you did in a former life.

I know what you're thinking. I'm the one that ran into a home lab with a broken vial on the floor. I'm the one that decided I could handle a serial killer with multiple personality disorder on my own. Granted I didn't know at the time he was three different people till it was too late. I decided I didn't need back up dealing with a disfigured lunatic with a bomb strapped to his chest. Yes, I took my vest off against orders during a hostage situation. Sue me! In addition, I had to save Owen Savage from dying. He was just a kid, badly used. What else could I do?

In my defense, I didn't take myself hostage in a hospital emergency room, nor did I take myself hostage in a religious compound. It wasn't my fault that the un-sub decided to try to commit suicide by cop. So when you look at it, it's only my fault about half the time.

Overall, it makes me wonder what Cosmic Super Power I pissed off to land in here once again. I wonder if my insurance rates will go up again. If they do, I might have to become roommates with Hotch to defray expenses.

I can just imagine what the guys at Beltway Clean Cops are going to say.

_**A/n thanks for putting up with the sarcasm in this moment. I was in a mood today. **_


	77. Graveyard Musings

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_**Graveyard Musings**_

_Thump!_

Have you ever heard the sound dirt makes when you toss it from a shovel?

_Scrape!_

Have you really listened to the scratch and slide of a spade scooping cold, damp dirt from the ground?

_Cut!_

Once, I saw a corpse with its head nearly detached from its body by a garden shovel.

My arms ache from digging into the half-frozen earth.

My heart is slamming into my ribs like a stone against flesh and bone.

It's dark out here.

Hotch will understand my clue. They'll find me in time.

I'm fine… I've already died once. I _can survive. _


	78. Do no Harm!

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_**Do no harm!**_

Blood is my stock in trade. There's not a day that goes by that I don't have it all over my hands. I'm used to it. At least, I thought I was used to it. Usually, I'm in a sterile environment with gloves on. Today it was different.

Today, I had the blood of two polar opposites on my hands. One man wanted to kill me because he blamed me for his son's death. One saved my life by taking a bullet in my place.

One man wanted revenge. The other man was just doing his job. He protected me as though I were more than just a distraught father trying to keep his son alive.

One man thought only of himself and his pain. The other thought nothing of himself or his pain. He waved me away twice so that I could do my job and hold my son in my arms.

Some people might be surprised that I would fight to save a man that tried to kill me. Maybe I could have let him die and been justified. He terrified me over my son, he tried to kill me and he killed others. Still, I couldn't make myself violate my oath.

_First, do no harm! _

I have to live by that promise, or else what is my word worth?


	79. Ticking Time Bomb

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_**Ticking Time Bomb**_

My friends told me he's not my responsibility. They said I shouldn't worry about what Nathan may or may not do. They don't understand.

When I grew old enough to understand that my mother would never come back, I knew time was running against me. I knew I had a ticking time bomb inside my head. Do you know what it's like to live with a long slow fuse in your mind?

Time passes on, whether or not we're ready for what it brings. Sometimes I want the years to fly by so I can be older. I want to stop worrying that I'll wake up one morning, and not know what's real and what's delusion.

Gideon said for him, it's a matter of when, not if, so I wonder if it's a matter of when, not if, for me.


	80. Back to the Beginning

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_**Back to the Beginning**_

The strident beeping of his bedside alarm jolted him out of a nightmare full of hooded mad men stabbing him in the abdomen and taunting him with their power over his life. He rubbed at his face and drew a hand through his hair.

He took a few deep breaths to slow his heartbeat while heading into the shower. Monday had come again, another week to get through while Jack grew up without him. If he ever got his son, back things would change. He'd make sure of it!

He dressed in his usual uniform of dark suit and tie. He picked up his gun, badge and phone. His go-bag sat on the table near the door. He thought about breakfast, and then decided that coffee and a stale donut at work would have to do.

The drive to Quantico took longer than it should have, due to an accident on the freeway. He finally pulled into his usual spot and headed into the building to the elevators. His watch read just a few minutes before nine. At least he wouldn't be late for the briefing if he could get things organized in his office.

He walked to the door and opened it. He stopped dead in his tracks to see Morgan sitting there in his chair talking on his phone. The younger agent looked up in surprise and then something like understanding and - was that pity - in his eyes, before he smiled, spoke quickly to the person on the other end, and put down the receiver.

"Hotch…" He said pleasantly.

"I'm sorry Morgan. I guess old habits die hard."

"It's okay."

His face felt hot. When was the last time he'd blushed? Everything had changed. The old order had ended. Morgan said it was temporary, but could things ever be the same again even if he got his family back?

"Hotch?"

"Oh sorry… I'll just let you get back to work."

"Listen Hotch I know things will be -"

"Don't, "he stopped him. "I'll be fine."

He backed out leaving Morgan staring at him. He shut the door and looked around.

_It looks like the bullpen for you._

He ended up at Morgan's old desk. Several agents stopped what they were doing including Emily and Reid when he sat down. He turned his patented glare on them. They went back to work without a word.

_This wasn't going well at all. _

_Get used to it. This is your life now. _He told himself.

Yeah, it was his life. Everything had come full circle. He looked up and made himself smile at Reid who'd snuck a look at him. The young man went pink in the cheeks.

"Good Morning Reid," he said as pleasantly as he could.

"Good Morning Hotch."

JJ breezed in, and without missing a beat, called them all into the briefing room. Yes, everything had changed, but some things would always stay the same.


	81. Easier said then done

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_**Easier said then done**_

Morgan said the reason I can't get a date is that I said, "You should see what come in when you type death into a search engine." I was curious, that's all. Besides, I only did that search when I decided to take Gideon up on his offer to join the BAU. I wanted to know everything there is to know about what other people could see on the web and how that affected them. It didn't mean anything.

JJ thinks the poetry is creepy. She gave me the strangest look while I tried to figure out what the killer wanted to say with quoting it. I never thought it was creepy, just interesting. Maybe JJ is right! Do other people think I'm weird because I know this stuff?

I asked Elle while we waited for the un-sub to call in. She said, "I don't know how you know half the stuff you know, but I'm grateful you do." She wouldn't have said that unless she meant it, right. So I asked her if she thought that's why I can't get a date. She asked me if I'd ever asked anyone out.

I know what you're thinking, for a genius it should be obvious that I have to ask a girl out to get a date. I never thought seriously about it because I don't know how to talk to girls outside of work. They're all mysterious creatures that I don't really understand, except that they all look at Morgan at work and ignore me.

So, I sit here, next to one waiting for a call. Maybe I'll ask Elle out. It would be good practice right? Morgan said don't mess with a woman that carries a gun. She won't get mad at me. It'll work, won't it?

Hm… maybe I'll just concentrate on work instead. Tomorrow's a good day to practice.


	82. Amends

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_**Amends**_

He crumpled up the notepaper and tossed it on the ground to join the others littering his kitchen floor. They had said it would be hard. They had said it would hurt like hell. They had also said it would be worth it. He looked at the pile of letters he had completed and sighed. It had been hard. It had hurt like hell. Whether it would be worth it or not, well - he would have to wait and see.

He pulled another piece of paper toward him. Getting started stymied him every time. He'd been horrible to her. He'd treated her worst because she had seen through the wall he'd tried to erect to hide his addiction.

He put the tip of his pen down on the paper and thought. How do you say, I'm sorry for acting like a jackass?

He looked at the clock and sighed. He had to finish because midnight had come and gone. He'd promised himself to write all his amends that night before he chickened out.

"Okay Spencer, suck it up and do it." He scolded himself.

He began to write.


	83. Silence is Golden

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_**Silence is Golden**_

We're used to the stern way he looks at everyone. It was different today. Something else had crept into his eyes after we caught our un-sub. The darkness in his eyes seemed to engulf the light I see despite the walls he keeps in place.

He called us all together in the conference room after finishing his search. He opened a small box and dumped out a pile of men's wedding rings onto the table. They rang and clinked together like some awful funeral dirge. He didn't speak. None of us could speak.

Sometimes, silence is more than golden. It is everything.


	84. An emotional release

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_**An emotional release**_

I miscalculated with him once. I couldn't let it happen again. I did everything I could to help our hostage. It didn't matter if I had to write an apology to the agents' families who'd lost loved ones under my leadership.

I knew him better this time. He gave me the clue to his downfall in just a few words. I denied him that last bit of fun he so desperately desired.

Usually, when a case is over, I feel tired. Normally, all I can think of is the awful truth that for every one we catch, ten more are out there. It was different this time. This time I walked away with a smile on my face.

Yes… I'd definitely call this an emotional release.


	85. Think outside the Box

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_**Think outside the Box**_

Morgan said I'd beat Gideon at chess when I learned how to 'think outside the box.' What does that have to do with winning a chess game?

Gideon said the same thing when we headed to Arizona on an arson case. He said to think about what's outside what we know of set precedence.

So I took his advice and thought of other alternatives. It turned out Gideon had it right. The arsonist went against everything I knew about the average firebug. Who would have thought we'd come across a young girl with severe OCD?

I thought I had learned the secret. I thought Morgan had a valid point. I played another game of chess with Gideon when the case ended. I finally got it. I saw far enough ahead to win the game. Then, he just smiled at me and once again, I lost the game. I guess the lesson is, thinking outside the box may be okay for arson, but not for chess!


	86. Contradictions

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_**Contradictions**_

You would think after nearly five years, he would stop surprising me. I guess not! He knows all about things like auto vampirism or the mating habits of fruit flies, but nothing about a book called "Twilight," or internet shorthand. He has never seen "The Clockwork Orange, either."

Therefore, my question is… How can someone freak over giving a profile, and then find the answer to solve the case? How do you understand someone that can stand up in front of a bunch of cops and sound so confident, when hours before he nearly blushed at the mention of an old crush? Who can really be sure about someone who can be as inscrutable as a Tibetan Monk and as open as a six-year-old child can?

One thing I have learned in the last five years is that when it comes to Spence, what he can and cannot do doesn't matter. It's enough to call him my friend.


	87. Just Friends?

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_**Just Friends?**_

We're too busy… That's what I kept telling myself. There's no time for personal phone calls or meetings. People are dying… It was my responsibility to write the profile. Morgan put his trust in me, so I had to concentrate, not think about Lila.

She still emails me every now and then. Sometimes she calls me and we talk. We always say we're going to get together if one of us is in town. It's been a long time since the last time she called or emailed me. I tell myself it doesn't matter. I tell myself she doesn't matter that much to me. I tell myself it's better this way.

So why do I still have her number stored in my phone memory?


	88. An Icy heart Melts

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_**An Icy heart Melts**_

I have always believed in my job. There must be rules, structure, order or the center crumbles. There must be protocol or else there is chaos.

I know what they all think of me. I've never cared because I must maintain order. If it means that they all call me the Ice Queen of Quantico, or the Wicked Witch of DC, then so be it. I'm not here to make friends.

They came in one by one and I hit them with every necessary question. They all withstood my probing in their own unique ways.

Then, he came in… His face held the marks of his fight for his life and that of his child. Something happened as he spoke that I didn't expect. One second, one look into those dark intense eyes that held more pain then I could imagine. What would I do if Foyet, or any other monster killed my husband or one of my children? Would I pull the trigger, plunge the knife, or slam my fist into flesh?

Sometimes love and family must supersede the rules, structure, order and even duty, otherwise we've lost what makes us human.


	89. Proper Protocol

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_**Proper Protocol**_

I know proper protocol… I can quote regulations to anyone including the Section Chief. I know she had to ask us what happened with Foyet. I know she had to make sure we followed procedure.

I don't like that after all this time she still doesn't trust us as a team. I don't like that she tried to trick me into saying something about Hotch she could use against him.

She has no idea what it's like to be tortured. She has no idea what you'd do to make it stop. Foyet didn't hold Hotch as a hostage. He didn't beat him, play Russian roulette with him, or inject him with a highly addictive drug. What he did do was worse. He stabbed him repeatedly, but kept him alive so he could play with Hotch's mind and emotions.

Hotch did what he had to do, the same thing I had to do, he killed his tormentor. Foyet would have killed Jack, just like Tobias would have killed me. If there had been any other way to stop Foyet, Hotch would have taken it.

There was no other way!


	90. The Slave of Duty

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_**A/n hey all I'm sorry for the delay in posting. Adele went on hiatus... Must be the holidays because she's been refusing to cooperate lately. Please enjoy... **_

**_The Slave of Duty_**

My beautiful Haley, love of my life, and mother to my son, I told David I didn't need to tell you I'm going back. I said you'd know and understand. You always knew me better than I knew myself.

I love you more than my own life, but I couldn't save your life. I broke so many promises to you because I can't leave the good fight to someone else. I've helped save the lives of strangers, yet I couldn't save you.

I thought there was time. I thought he wanted to make me watch him kill you. I thought I could outsmart him. I was wrong.

I'll always love you Haley. When Foyet killed you, he took half my heart. I don't know if I can do this job and raise our son with half my heart in pieces.

I need you Haley, to watch over Jack when I can't be there. Yes… I know I promised I'd make it up to both of you. I know I should walk away and devote myself to our son.

Forgive me Haley… I _am _a slave to duty.


	91. Tears

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_**Tears**_

Why do people cry at funerals? What good do tears do us when someone we love dies or when someone we love looses someone they love? Tears cannot bring someone back to us. They cannot seal up the holes in our hearts.

I don't understand many things… I don't know why my father left us, even though he tried to explain it to me. I don't know why my mother remains trapped in the mysterious realms of her mind, despite my understanding the medical reasons. I don't know why evil men and women kill the innocent, though I've studied abnormal psychology. I don't know why we couldn't save Haley Hotchner, even though I could calculate the odds of her survival and know they were against us.

I went to her funeral because Hotch is my friend, older brother and substitute father. I never expected to feel such deep sorrow that tears filled my eyes. Therefore - my question is - were the tears for Hotch, or for Haley, or for both of them?

Does it matter?


	92. A Normal Day

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_**A Normal Day**_

When I was a kid, I used to wonder what a normal day would be like. I used to dream at night that I was just a little boy with average intelligence that didn't get beat up by his classmates, or live with an unstable mother alone because my father left. The dreams never came true.

Now, I'm here standing on a sidewalk talking to a beautiful woman because someone killed people due to an obsessive love for her. I just want to have a normal conversation, but Gideon and one of her people kept tying to pull us apart as if we're taffy candy.

Lila is looking at me and I can see in her face that she thinks the same thing I'm thinking. Normal doesn't exist for us. Even if we promise to stay in touch, it'll never work out. There'll always be someone there pulling at her or pulling at me.

How far can you stretch before you break?


	93. Be true to yourself

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_**Be true to yourself**_

_He's so life like!_

_I see you brought your own computer!_

_He was left in a basket on the steps of the FBI._

He couldn't stop thinking about what he'd overheard Rossi say, and couple that with what Emily had said - well it just made him think. Did everyone around him think him strange or unusual?

Gideon used to tell him that his talents were a gift. His mother was always telling him he was exceptional or perfect.

So… which is it, odd and unusual or exceptional and perfect? Could he live up to his mother's view of him and Gideon's confidence and still fit in with his team and everyone else's view of him?

He supposed it didn't matter what everyone else thought about him. What was important is something Polonius said in Hamlet, "To thine own self by true."


	94. Surreal

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_**Surreal**_

I used to think I knew the meaning of surreal. The dictionary defines the word as, weirdly unfamiliar, distorted, or disturbing, like the experiences in a dream. I knew in my memory what the word means, but I never understood it until now.

I began the day thinking my father a child killer. I ended it knowing he did what he had to do to protect my mother and me. It doesn't excuse him leaving me alone with mom, but I think I understand why he left now.

The day closed with me actually holding a baby in my arms and agreeing to be a Godfather. I don't understand how it happened, but I'm going to be the best Godfather in the world. Henry will always have someone to come to if he needs it.

I'm trying not to think about what my life would have been like had I been lucky enough to have a Godfather to go to for help. The past is done. All I can do is be myself, and watch out for Henry.

Do you think he'll like me when he's old enough to know the difference?


	95. Out of the mouths of Babes

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_**Out of the mouths of Babes **_

Michael Bridges ran as fast as he could to his very own room. He jumped up on his very own bed and buried his head into his very own pillow. It smelled good, like happiness and sunshine and… He frowned and swept his hands around under the pillow for his chocolate.

"Are you looking for this?"

He looked up to see his mommy standing there with a smile, and more tears on her face, with his chocolate in her hand.

"I sorry mommy. I bad."

She was there at once smelling, like mommy always smelled, like more happiness and smiles. "No baby boy, you weren't bad…" She hugged him, making him feel safe and warm.

"Mommy, where go that weed man."

"What honey?"

His father came into the room and sat down next to him. "It's bedtime champ. We can talk in the morning."

"Want to see weed man."

"Weed?" His mother looked at his daddy and daddy said. "Does he mean Agent Reid?"

"Weed, weed," The little boy said enthusiastically.

"Do you want to see him again?" Mommy asked looking confused.

His head nodded. "Weed man find me."

He liked the weed man very much. He almost made him feel as safe as mommy. He had pretty eyes that were nice.

His mommy and daddy looked at each other. "Okay… We'll call Agent Hotchner in the morning. Maybe he can give him a message for us to say thank you."

"Kay mommy…" He had to rub his eyes. He wanted to go to sleep.

----

Craig and Amy shut the door of Michael's room, leaving it open just a crack after their little boy had fallen asleep.

"Do you think he's okay?"

"Yeah… I think he'll be alright."

"I don't know if I'll sleep." Amy wrapped an arm around her husband. "We should've thanked Agent Reid. He's the one that found Michael. Instead we barely acknowledged him and we were so rude to him over that nightmare."

"Amy… We were terrified for Michael. You know you thought it was just as weird as I did that the FBI agent who's supposed to be helping us had a very loud nightmare.

"I know… I just can't help thinking he's been through something horrible. I wonder if he has anyone to go home to."

"You amaze me…" Craig said as he led her to their room. "You just get your kidnapped son back, and yet you have such a heart that you worry about a stranger."

"He's not a stranger. He'll always be the one that found the key to helping us find Michael. We owe him all our gratitude Craig."

"Yes we do…"

"What can we do?"

"Well I don't think flowers or a fruit basket are appropriate"

"Craig!"

"I think the best way to thank them is to do our best to keep Michael safe and work in the community to help other kids."

"I think that's a great idea."


	96. Defining Decisions

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_**Defining Decisions**_

He's gone and I'm here alone, just like every other day of my life. The only difference is that now I wish I'd told him sooner. I wish I'd gone to him a dozen times in the last fifteen years and explained as best I could why I walked out on him and his mother.

He's a good man. The best kind of man I could imagine my son to become without a father. He grew up and became someone who helps others and gives of himself freely without counting the cost. He did it without me there to guide him. He did it all without me.

I should have listened to Dianna. She knew someone coveted our son. It could have been him instead of Riley Jenkins had she not insisted on the danger.

They say it's never right to take the law into your own hands, but I wonder. Shouldn't a father and a mother do everything they can to protect a child?

My little boy grew up to be a fine man who does immeasurable good. Riley didn't get the chance to realize his potential. Which is the greater crime, lost potential in a child or exacting justice outside the law to give that child a chance?


	97. One Last Breath

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**_One Last Breath_**

The breath in his lungs… it was all there was in the universe. The only thing he could feel in that never ending moment in time was the rise and fall of his chest and a tearing pain that oxygen couldn't dispel. He tried again. A deep breath in until he felt light headed and out, very slowly till his lungs burned. The hurt wouldn't go away…

She'd never come back. He thought he'd dealt with that fact months ago. Now that she lay limp and lifeless in his arms, he knew for sure she'd never come back.

One last breath with her… that's all he wanted.

One last breath…


	98. Fathers and Sons

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_**Fathers and Sons**_

Shall I tell you a story of two fathers?

Sometimes history can repeat itself in odd ways. Once there was a young father, who burned bloody clothing in a barbecue pit. He lost his wife, not to the knife, or a bullet, but to the darkened maze of her mind.

Later, another young father, in bloody clothes with a bruised and beaten face, held his son in a tight embrace. The little boy's mother was lost to the whim of a maniac and the brutal force of a gun.

One father ran away, a victim of his weaknesses and self-doubt. One father will stay with his son no matter the cost because all they have are each other.

One son, lost and broken because he believed his father did not love him, understands after all these years how violence can break the bonds that define us.

One son, loved and cherished by his father will understand the cost of braiding those bonds back together in silver and copper strands without the bright gold of a mother's love.

How does the story end? I do not know, but there is one thing I do know. My father and Jack's dad aren't so different after all. They put us first, and no matter the ultimate result, they loved us.


	99. It's Okay to Play

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_**It's Okay to Play**_

Everyone has to grow up… We can't stay children forever. Eventually we all lose our innocence and child-like wonder. I used to think nothing could give back the urge to play and feel free of all cares and woes.

I went back to the park today. If felt weird at first to see my young friend and play chess with him again. He asked why I left. I told him another friend had left me alone and I hadn't wanted to play anymore. I wanted to figure it all out. He said he was glad I'd come back.

Samantha - locked in childhood because her father is a monster and consumed with his own selfish and monstrous needs - taught me that obsession consumes everything. She also taught me its okay to let go of my adult life and be a kid every once in a while.

Yes, we all have to grow up, but that doesn't mean we can't play sometimes.


	100. The Looking Glass

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_**The Looking Glass**_

I never really thought about glass and the different forms it can take. If you polish it, you can see your reflection in it. I can see my reflection in this bathroom mirror. Perhaps there is a trick in this glass because the eyes looking back at me I don't recognize anymore.

You can make containers of glass. I'm holding two small bottles in my hand that clink together like the balls on a pool table. They hold the sweet poison that I crave. I can see though the bottles, so why can't they see through me. Why don't they confront me?

Maybe I am like a two-way mirror. I can see out to them, but they only see a reflection of themselves because I am a blank slate.

I look back up to the mirror and I see only despair. I could ask for help. I could force them to sense the soul behind the face that desperately wants help. On the other hand, I can go on and pretend I don't see them stare into the two-way mirror that is my face.

Yes… I'll pretend… I will pretend that they don't care about me because I can't face the sting of their compassion.


	101. Falling Star

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_**Falling Star**_

Why does everyone think I'm from another planet or weird? I try so hard every day to be what other people think is normal. I get so tired of it all the time. I just want to act, think, and say what I want. Why is that a crime?

Emily said there are many things to hate about me. Why did she say that? Why did everyone else chime in? Do they all hate me? Okay… So I know that they don't hate me, but…

Do you think there is a class I can take to learn how to be "normal?"


	102. Once in a Lifetime

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_**Once in a Lifetime**_

He saved my life. He put himself between a gun and me. I just stood there trying to believe that my friend had killed to further my career. He didn't hurt her. He saved her life too, even though she begged him to kill her. He looked at her with such compassion even though she would have killed both of us.

He's different from anyone I've met. He's sweet and kind and shy, not like the other guys I know in Hollywood. He didn't try to get me into bed. I had to be the one to kiss him. I've never had to try so hard before I met him. It was very erotic.

Life intrudes, even when you don't want it to. I had to go my way and he went his. I can still feel the touch of his hand on my shoulder. That touch meant more then the kisses. I wish I hadn't just watched him walk away. Someone like that only comes along once in a lifetime.

You know… I've always wanted to work on Broadway. New York's only a couple hours away from Washington. Maybe I'll move to the Big Apple…


	103. Blinker

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_**Blinker**_

It started out as a discussion about Hotch and the cookies I made for him. Reid reminded me that Hotch never blinked. I asked Reid if Hotch was okay. He said he wouldn't be because he's a blinker. He said it in a dismissive way, as though it's something he just accepts, but doesn't like.

I don't understand why he thinks he's something less than Hotch. After all, he went aboard a train where an armed psycho held hostages, and he had nothing more than a magic trick up his sleeve. He saved an ER full of innocent people even though he 'can't hit the broadside of a barn with a gun' supposedly. He tried to talk down another psycho who had a bomb strapped to his chest. He survived two days of torture at the hands of yet another mentally disturbed man, and that's just a few examples of all the incredible things he's done.

I'd say calling himself a 'blinker,' is nonsense. Even if it's not, it works well for him. I guess you can be a blinker and still strong, still be a hero. If only he could believe in it.


	104. The Deception of First Impressions

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_**The Deception of First Impressions**_

People always say you cannot judge someone by first impressions alone. It's my job to look beyond first impressions to the person beneath the mask. When I first met Dr. Spencer Reid, I wrote him off as a young man with a bad case of hero worship. Don't get me wrong, I liked that about him, but I thought it might be all there was to him.

I was wrong… I know what he can do. Today, he made me proud. He stood up to Dr. Malcolm. He ripped through the mask of normality to the monster that lay beneath. I saw the contempt in Dr. Malcolm's face as Reid confronted him with his crimes against Samantha and other little girls. I heard the irritation in the doctor's voice as he tried to defend himself against Reid's accusation. In the end both Reid's voice and his face exuded triumph when the doctor finally admitted to the monstrous things he'd done.

Then, we found Samantha and Reid changed again. He became the kind compassionate man we all care for so much. He treated her as the victim she is and ended her imprisonment of those innocent women without violence. He saved lives. Samantha will get the help she needs, that her father refused to give her.

My first impression of Agent Reid was correct in one way, but so wrong in other ways. I'm glad I was wrong.


	105. Checkmate in Twelve

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_**Checkmate in Twelve**_

I like playing chess against myself. It's not quite as much fun as having a worthy opponent, but it'll do in a pinch. I went to the park today thinking that I'd play against myself since no one else showed up. I'd gotten a good start when Spencer arrived.

He said "Checkmate in twelve." I decided to make him think I was skeptical. He said, "I'll show you."

He sat down and we began to play faster than most people play. He got this look on his face that I knew meant he was totally involved in the game to the exclusion of everything. Even the people that began gathering to watch didn't faze him.

I want to be like Spencer Reid when I grow up!


	106. Love Chemicals

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_**Love Chemicals**_

Although I've only known him for a short while, I'm getting used to his strange quirks. The rest of the team takes them in stride. Even if they act surprised by something out there he says, I can see that they'd be lost without his unique way of looking at the world.

We're hunting a serial killer. He's not just any serial killer, but possibly the most prolific killer ever. In the middle of all of it, he spouts off an explanation of how love is just chemicals. Then he said something I didn't know about the love chemicals in in peas.

That doesn't mean I'm going to run out and by a can though. I think I'll stick to chocolate!


	107. Decision or Destiny

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_**Decision or Destiny**_

When I heard the gunshot… My heart stopped in my chest. It felt like someone had yanked on the back of my shirt to pull me back from an explosion. It couldn't be happening again! I'd already lost six agents.

Elle was in there, and I'd sent Reid in there after her. I'd believed in him when he'd said he could handle it. Had I made another mistake? Was he ready to deal with Dr. Bryar on his own?

I'm running to the train and my heart is in my throat. I can't take it if I go inside and one of them is dead. How do I live with it if one of them doesn't walk away from this?

I'm inside now and I see its okay. Dr. Bryar's the one that's down. A civilian took the shot.

This time everything turned out okay. Reid and Elle survived… We didn't lose anyone!

Sometimes I think everything that happens to us is random chance. What if I'd decided not to trust Adrian Bale in Boston? Would those six agents be alive? What if I'd insisted Reid teach Morgan his magic trick? Would Morgan and Elle be dead because I didn't believe in Reid?

In the end, I wonder… What if something else or someone else is guiding us to a deeper meaning? How do I understand that meaning and do something with it?


	108. Only the Beginning

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_**Only the Beginning**_

They say it's over! They hug me and say everything will be all right. I'm the only one that knows it'll never be all right again. I nod, and I agree with them, but I know better.

My foot aches for the first time in days. I can feel the need for the drug like acid in my blood. I am shaking, not from the cold or from delayed reaction, but from the need inside me.

I reach into a dead man's pocket for two small vials of the poison I want. No, that's not right! It's the blessed release from the torment of my pathetic life. I put them in my pocket and try to smile.

I wonder… Will I be able to hide the drugs from the doctors at the hospital?


	109. My Hero?

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_**My Hero?**_

Why does it always have to be him? Why can't he stay out of the way of slow moving trains, or terrorists with guns in dark subways, or any other life threatening jeopardy? A girl can only take so much of the kick in the door, jump from building to building he-man antics.

Don't get me wrong, I love that he gets his hands dirty while helping keep the world safe from crazies. Still, just one time, I'd like to see him cuffing a little old woman for jay walking. Surely, there would be no danger in that.

Now he's driving an ambulance with a bomb through New York City. I'm trying to keep the cell towers down, give him directions to somewhere safe, and not have a heart attack all at the same time.

When this is over, I am going to kill him! Nothing he can say will save his stubborn butt this time!


	110. You Can't Judge a Book by its Cover

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_**You Can't Judge a Book by its Cover**_

He looked harmless the first time I saw him playing chess with one of the kids. Of course, I know that people aren't always what they seem to be. I know they can fool you with the façade of innocence. You can't trust anyone these days and it's sad. You never know when someone might be hiding behind the face of kindness. How could I know if he just wanted to play or if he had other ideas?

Then he came into the park today just as I'd was thinking it was time to pack up and take the kids home. I know he's some kind of genius because I've heard the other kids talking. I just never knew until today if they were exaggerating or making up stories as kids do.

I watched him play a game with Eric. They played so fast I couldn't keep up. It was mesmerizing! I gathered around the table with a few of the other adults and children. One of the parents leaned over to me and said. "Hey Sandra… Can you believe that guy's some kind of genius FBI profiler?"

"He is…"

"Yeah… Bob's a private detective. I got him to check out this guy. You can't be too careful these days."

I'm glad I was wrong about him. I'm happy that he's here on a regular basis, even if he looks like a strong wind could knock him over. I know the children are safer with him here.

As my mother always said, you cannot judge a book by its cover.


	111. Reading between the Lines

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_**Reading between the Lines**_

He takes everything so much to heart and so personally. I know finding that note with his name on it had to hurt. Especially after finding a similar one from his father when he was only a child

I wanted to sympathize with him. I wanted to say, "You're right, it doesn't make sense." He has the right to question Gideon. I wonder about his abrupt departure too.

When I heard that Gideon had left and he had written a letter just to Spencer, it made me wonder what could be so special about Reid.

Is it because Reid is like a son to Gideon? Is it because he knew Reid would go looking for him first? Did he write it because he knows Reid is stronger than all of us and he would understand and deal with the loss? Did he leave it for Reid because he felt guilty about running off on the man he had mentored for years?

I don't have the answer. All I could do was tell Reid to read it again and think about why Gideon only wrote to him. Ultimately, the answer's within Reid. I can't tell him what to think.

Gideon knew it, and that is why I know he would tell Reid the same thing. It's up to him to find the meaning in what doesn't make sense to any or us. I'm confidant that if anyone can do it, it's him.


	112. It Comes in Threes

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**_It Come is Threes_**

I didn't want to shoot him! I didn't want him to be the next in a line of men my job has forced me to kill. I didn't want it to end that way again.I didn't want him to be number three.

I wanted to get through to him this time. I wanted him to be the one who would listen to my words and drop his weapon. I wanted to have the power to make him hear me and see through to the other side of his pain. I wanted him to be different.

I didn't want to see blood. I didn't want to hear the echo of the gunshot ringing in my ears for days. It's funny how life can laugh at your most desperate wishes and desires.

They say trouble comes in threes. Does that mean I can expect a break from the Fates?


	113. The Best Reason of All

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**_The Best Reason of All_**

I've had my moments of doubt… I've wondered how long I could wade through the blood and sorrow perpetrated on humanity by the human monsters amongst us. On my worst days, I wonder why I wanted to do this in the first place.

I met the Fox today. I stood in the presence of true evil. I heard him laugh with gleeful joy at the knowledge of Hotch's torture at the hands of Foyet.

I wished with my whole soul, for Arnold and Foyet to burn in the deepest level of Hell.

I know why I must walk this path and confront living monsters. Someone has to stand for the innocent.


	114. Five Years Seven Months Nineteen Days

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**_Five Years Seven Months and Nineteen Days_**

She asked me how long I had been doing this job. I was surprised that my exact answer didn't make her roll her eyes. She didn't get impatient with my explanation of what her son had gone through or if I thought he'd be all right.

I think back on every day since I walked through door of the BAU for the very first day. I'm different because of all the horror, the blood and violence. I am different because of all the joy, and sense of accomplishment. I am different because Gideon, the bureau, and my team believed in me.

She believed her son was alive for eight years. He was missing for more than two years before I came here. He made it out alive… So yeah, I think I can believe in something other than statistics and facts. Now I can believe in real miracles.


	115. The Most Valuable Coin in the World

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**_A/n after a very long run with this series, I've decided this will be the last chapter. I can't thank you all enough for your support along the way. You all rock! This doesn't dovetail to any episode, it's just how I envisioned ending the series. It's the most important moment of all I believe. _**

**_The Most Valuable Coin in the World_**

One important tool of a magician is coins. They can make them dance across their knuckles, or appear from behind the ears of delighted children.

I've been carrying a special coin or medallion in my pocket for months. I don't play with it as I would with other coins in magic tricks. It performs its own magic for me.

I gave the coin back to its owner tonight after they gave me one of my own. The weight of it's the same in my pocket. It glitters in the light when I look at it, but it feels different somehow.

I earned this medallion, not borrowed strength from someone who believed in me when he could have walked the other way.

It's been a long year, but I wouldn't go back for all the coins in the world. This is the only one I need.


End file.
